


Hold me Kowareru Made (Hold me until I break)

by vogue91



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Break Up, Chaptered, Cheating, Desperation, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 17:27:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14430543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “Don’t leave.”“Don’t ask me that.”





	1. Nakanaide, Hanasanai yo (Don't cry, I won't let you go)

_Mirai nante_

_Kimi nashi ja mienai yo._

_*_

_If you’re not here_

_I can’t imagine such a thing as a future._

[Ai Nante, Tegoshi Yuya]

****

Kamenashi was sitting on the couch. His legs were bent against his chest, and he had been hiding his face behind his knees.

From what it could be seen, his face looked serious, concerned.

Jin sat close by, on the armrest of one of the armchairs. He wasn’t watching him; his eyes were fixed on the floor, as if he was afraid or raising his head, afraid of meeting the other’s gaze.

Kame wanted to cry, but it was like he couldn’t; he didn’t know if it was for the surprise or because he didn’t actually believed what Jin had just told me. He just knew that tears weren’t coming out.

It seemed like it had been hours since Akanishi had told him he was going to leave and have a solo debut in America, but it had been just a few minutes.

As if he had been hit by a wave, violent and merciless. And Kame, drowned by it, hadn’t been able to reply.

The part of Jin’s face he could still see looked pained, but he didn’t worry about it, because it was time to be selfish, to think about himself.

To think that the other man was abandoning him, even though maybe it wasn’t even like that.

“Say something.” he hissed, angry, but he got nothing but a chocked sob in return, because Akanishi Jin hated to show his weakness to anybody.

Kame jumped up, getting closer and grabbing his shoulders, hard.

“Tell me it’s not true, Jin. Please, tell me you’re joking.” he begged, his voice broken. Finally, the elder raised his eyes to look at him.

It was the last confirmation Kame needed. It wasn’t a joke, he wasn’t dreaming, he wasn’t imagining things.

He was going to leave, and that look told him there was nothing Kame could do to avoid it.

“I’m sorry, Kazuya.” he said, hoarse, trying stupidly to mask the fact that he was crying.

The younger collapsed on the floor, on his knees. He kept looking at him for a while, before leaning his head over his legs and starting to lazily caress his thigh.

It was so... _real_. The mere thought that soon he would’ve been denied the simplicity of those gestures was too much for him to bear.

“Don’t leave.” he whispered. Jin caressed his hair, biting his lip.

“Don’t ask me that.” he answered, his voice so low Kame could barely hear it.

Then the elder took his face and forced him to look up, waiting no longer that a second before kissing him.

He got down on the floor with him, bringing his hands at the sides of his hand, holding him tight, hurting him.

Kame couldn’t think about anything anymore, and anyway he tried to avoid precisely that.

Right now, the only thing he wanted to acknowledge was having Jin’s hands on, the way his mouth invaded his own, the way he held him close, as if he was the one who was going to run away.

He barely noticed it when the elder pushed him with his back against the floor, and was startled by the cold for just a moment before letting himself be captured again by that spiral lacking a beginning and an end... there was just Jin, his hands, his mouth. It was enough.

When the elder took his slacks off, accidentally brushing his cock, Kame moaned; feeble, but enough to make the other man smile again.

Jin on his part, didn’t want to waste time in affection nor foreplay... he just want to take Kame, right now, to remark the fact that he belonged to him. He needed it, his instinct told him he had to.

He quickly slipped two fingers inside the other man’s mouth, involuntarily lascivious, then he let them roam his chest, the time necessary to reach between his legs to start preparing him.

He rushed it, perhaps too much, but neither of them cared; the finger became three, and then it took Jin only a few more moments to free his own cock from his trousers and pants, and soon he was thrusting inside Kame, hard.

The younger chewed down on his lips; it hurt, but he didn’t care. On the contrary, he felt like he needed a little brutality right now.

It was the realest proof he could have of the fact that, for the moment, Akanishi was there with him.

Jin started pushing inside him again, faster and harder. They kept quiet as much as they could; anyway, way more than usual.

Not that Kame wasn’t involved, he just felt like this silence somehow spoke about his current state of mind.

He wanted to be right there, on the floor, letting Jin take him as if he was his belonging, without any background noise, just that of skin slapping against skin, of the thrusts, of the involuntary groans the elder let out.

He felt him brushing his cock again, then wrapping his hand around it and stroking it at the same pace of his cock inside of him.

He felt him coming, distinctly, and it was all it took for him to do as much.

They kept still for a little while, then the elder moved, pulling out with a pointless tenderness, and collapsing next to him.

They both stared at the ceiling, panting, and still kept quiet, because silence was the last thing sheltering them now.

Instinctively Jin searched Kame’s hand, holding it tight in his own, his knuckles turning white.

“I will miss you. But... it doesn’t change anything for me. You belong to me and I belong to you, whether I’m here in Japan, or in America or in any other place in the world. The fact that I have to leave doesn’t change what I feel for you.” he said, turning to look at him, caressing his face with his free hand.

Kame bit his tongue, and still didn’t look at him.

“It doesn’t change anything for me either. But that doesn’t mean I’m fine with letting you go.” he replied, resolved. Jin sighed, loosening his hold on his hand.

“It’s not forever. I’m going to come back, and then... we’re going to have all the time in the world in front of us.” he tried to reassure him, but even if he hadn’t known him as well as he didn’t, Kame knew he wasn’t so serene either.

“I know, Jin. Anyway, if you’re not here... I can’t imagine such a thing as a future. Not if we’re not together.”

The elder got closer, wrapping an arm around him.

“But I will be there, always.” he murmured, with a half-smile that the younger didn’t believe.

He wished he could’ve thought that everything was going to be fine.

He wished he could’ve thought that they were stronger than any distance.

But there was something inside of him warning him, telling him it wasn’t as easy as it seemed.

That feeling that he was about to lose Jin, a voice inside him that he never managed to shut up and that, he was sure, was going to keep tormenting every moment he would’ve spent apart from him.

He wished he could’ve stayed there, in that room, on that floor. With Jin, forever.

But he knew it was time to get back up.


	2. Aishiteru Kara (Because I love you)

_Kimi to no hibi sotto omoikaeshite wa_

_Hitori ja nai koto kimi ga boku ni oshiete kureta._

_*_

_Looking back at the distance between me and you_

_You taught me that I’m not alone._

[Aishiteru Kara, Kamenashi Kazuya]

****

Jin couldn’t look at a suitcase anymore.

He had been taking clothes out of his wardrobe for days, he had packed books, CDs... all he owned, all there was in that house, all the stuff that he had piled up during the years.

And then had come the turn of all the stuff he had bought with Kame, but he hadn’t touched those. He wished he could’ve taken them with him, but a part of him thought it was fairer for them to say there, in the house they shared.

And it would’ve also avoided fights with the younger over who should’ve kept what; it would’ve been dreary, it would’ve looked too much like a divorce. And he had no intentions of making his leaving look like a goodbye.

During those days Kamenashi had kept wandering through the house, sometimes helping him pack, but most of the times staying in a corner, watching.

It had been a few infernal weeks.

They had ignored Jin’s departure, they hadn’t talked about it anymore; they kept living the same life, but following a silent agreement they had gotten closer. They spent every moment they could together, at night they went to bed together and they had sex to the point of exhaustion, to the point of falling asleep straight away, free from nightmares.

He was going to leave the following day, and there were too many things left untold between them.

He finished packing the last things while Kame looked at him, sitting on the bed. He stared back at him and went sitting next to him, taking his hand and distractedly playing with it, without paying much attention.

“Are you done?” the younger asked, pointing at his luggage. Akanishi nodded, biting his lip and turning to look at him, without having the other do the same.

Kame stared into space, his face severe.

Jin got sad; as opposed to him, Kazuya hadn’t spilt a tear. He didn’t know what to make of the fact. That he didn’t want to prove himself weak, that he couldn’t, that he just didn’t want to cry... he was going to leave him be, anyway.

“What do you want to do?” he asked, tightening his hold on his hand. The younger shrugged, and finally looked at him.

He had a half-smile on his face, one that Jin didn’t believe.

“Nothing in particular. I don’t think it would change much, whatever we decide to do together.” he replied, bitterly.

Jin hugged him instinctively.

That he wanted to show it or not, Kame suffered. And knowing to be the cause of his pain made him feel even worse than he already did.

“I wish I could stay, you know that. I wish I could stay next to you forever, in this apartment, never having to part from you. You must know it. What can I do?” he asked, feeling close to tears all over again.

Kamenashi stood on his feet, breathing heavily as if he had just finished running; he turned to look at him, and Jin read much more than sadness in his eyes. He was desperate.

“Don’t leave, then. You’re not forced to, if you don’t want.” he spit the words, angry, likely regretting them immediately.

But by now, Jin realised, it didn’t change a thing; what they said or did wasn’t going to make them feel better anyway.

“Would you stay?” he asked ,feebly. Kame stared at the floor, then shook his head lightly.

“Probably I wouldn’t. Probably I’d think that distance doesn’t matter, if we truly love each other. That it doesn’t matter how far apart we are, you and I are still you and  I.” he smiled, an hint of sarcasm in it. “This is what I’d though, if I wasn’t the one who’s left behind.” he finished.

Akanishi jumped up.

For the first time, he felt the instinct to hurt him.

He hated the way his words made him feel.

He hated the fact that what he had just said was exactly what he had been thinking about it.

He believed it. He believed that distance didn’t matter, that he would’ve loved Kazuya when he was in America just like he did when he was ten inches from him.

“You’re selfish.” he said, without tearing his eyes off of him. Looking at him was all he had left now.

It was then that Kame couldn’t stand the tension anymore.

One tear, two... and when he couldn’t take it anymore he cried. Like Jin had never seen him cry.

He got closer, slowly, as if he was afraid of touching him. Then finally he hugged him, shaken by his sobs, feeling the warmth of his damp face against his neck, holding him tight. Pretending he never had to let him go.

They kept still for minutes, the silence broken only by his crying.

When they parted Jin instinctively smiled looking at him, at his puffy eyes, his face striped by tears.

He caressed it, slowly, making him smile as well.

He took his hand again and together they laid down on the bed, one in front of the other, Jin’s arm around Kame’s waist, because they needed all the contact they could get.

“When you’ve been to America, those six months... I’ve born with it because I knew you were coming back. Because you came back to Japan to see the others. To see me. Waiting for you has been almost as beautiful as having you here.” he hesitated for a moment, licking his lower lip, then he got up the bed and went to the desk. He went back to Jin, a notebook in his hand. He turned the pages in a rush, and the elder saw they were lyrics to songs.

When he stopped, he showed him a page, pointing with his finger at a sentence.

“Looking back at the distance between me and you, you’ve taught me that I’m not alone.” Jin read, then smiled. “Aishiteru kara.” he added, naming the title of Kame’s solo. The younger nodded, lowering his head.

“It’s more or less what I’ve thought then, when you’ve come back. That even if we were apart, I wasn’t alone. You... you didn’t let me feel like I was.”

Jin stared at him, trying to restrain himself from crying for the hundredth time.

That was Kame. He didn’t like it when he pretended to be stronger than he actually was, merely for his sake.

He liked him when he showed his weaknesses.

He liked his smiles and his tears.

He liked when he let go against him, silently asking for an embrace.

When he admitted he couldn’t stand something.

He liked all of this about him, they were all reasons why he loved him, why he was going to keep loving him.

He got closer, pressing their foreheads together.

“I love you, you idiot.” he said, smiling, happy as never before to see the other reciprocate.

“I love you too. I... I’m sorry for what I’ve said. I just don’t know how to face this. Being mad at you is easier.” he explained, blushing slightly.

Jin nodded, tightening his hold on him.

“I know. And it doesn’t matter, really. Be mad at me how much you want, I’ll always come back for you.”

They both smiled, then they collapsed against the mattress.

Jin knew it, there wasn’t going to be much room for smile the next day, nor the following ones.

He wanted to enjoy this moment, taking it for what it was. He still wanted to have the chance to feel the warmth of Kame’s skin against his own, until he was still close to him.

Without thinking about when he wasn’t going to be able to.

 

~

 

He was on the plane.

At the airport, it had gone down better than he had hoped. He had hugged the guys, lingering just a while longer with Kame. In the middle of Narita, after all, it was all he could afford.

He had promised to called once arrived, soon scolded by Ueda who had demanded that he promised the same thing to him.

It hadn’t been sad, dramatic or tragic as he had thought; or maybe the others had made it for it not to.

He put his headphones on, determined to sleep for a while during the flight, since he hadn’t managed to catch any sleep that night.

He was about to doze off, when he realized he was listening to Kame’s voice.

He smiled, sadly.

He wasn’t sure he was going to make it. He wasn’t sure about what was going to happen to him, to them.

He could only hope for the best, and so should’ve done Kame.

He fell asleep, with the thought of Kazuya’s face in his mind.

It was the best thing he could hope for himself, right now.

 

_Hatenaku tsudzuku michi no naka ni kimi wa nani wo omou no_

_Wasurenaide sono kokoro no soba ni sotto isasete..._

_*_

_In the middle of this road going on forever I wonder what you’re thinking_

_Never forget it, let me tenderly be close to your heart..._

[Aishiteru Kara, Kamenashi Kazuya]


	3. Kibou Itami wo Mune ni Kizamu (I carve into my heart the pain of hope)

_Kono itami iyasu no namida janaku._

_*_

_Tears aren’t going to cure this pain._

[N.M.P., KAT-TUN]

****

Kamenashi was anxious.

It had been a little over two months since Akanishi had left for the US.

It hadn’t been easy, he wasn’t going to lie to himself saying that it had been a walk in the park.

He had cried sometimes, especially when he came back home and found it empty.

Koki, Junno, Ueda and Maru tried to never leave him alone more than necessary, asking him to dinner, to get a drink, to do anything that would’ve prevented him from thinking about the fact that Jin wasn’t there.

Kame smiled.

As if he could’ve forgotten.

They called each other almost every night; they were ordinary calls, they told each other what they had done during the day down to the smallest details, to keep in contact with each other’s lives; Kamenashi thought they were incredibly similar to the calls he made to his mother, but had always avoided saying that to Jin. He knew it wasn’t easy to pretend to be alright, it wasn’t for either of them, and if that contact could’ve been useful to make them feel better, closer, then he was going to keep calling every night, telling him what he had done and listening to him do the same.

Never saying ‘I miss you’, because it would’ve been too pitiful for both of them.

And now, finally, he had the chance to see him in person.

Akanishi had a couple free days, obtained in some mysterious way, and a few days before he had told Kame he was coming back to Japan.

A brief visit, but that too was one of the things the younger was going to take as they came, as something more, something to settle for... almost a gift, or at least that’s what it felt to him.

And during the days spent waiting for his return, he had felt weirdly good; his mind was focused on the feeling of having him next to him, being able to touch him, to kiss him, to feel that he was at hand’s reach; all feelings he had forced himself to memorise down to the last detail, fearing that the distance would’ve erased his memories.

Only a few hours now, and as the moment he would’ve finally seen him got closer, it got harder to control his lips, which kept smiling involuntarily.

A few hours, and those months spent without him were going to be a memory, as if they could’ve been erased by the other’s man presence.

He tried to focus on all of that, instead of thinking about how little time they were allowed.

 

~

 

“Tadaima.” Jin entered the apartment noisily, going to throw himself on the couch and looking around, as to readjust to the environment around him.

Kame stood there, looking at him, a smile that didn’t want to leave his face.

At the airport, it had been hard holding back the instinct to jump him, hug him, kiss him until his lips would’ve taken roots on Jin’s.

But once they were inside the apartment, lacking any barrier or boundary, he went toward him, straddling and taking his face in his hands.

“I’ve missed you.” he murmured, because saying it wasn’t so scary when he had the chance to touch him, when he was under his hands.

Jin didn’t reply, and leant over to kiss him. Kame kissed him back hard, impatient; he ran his hands on the other’s chest to the hem of the shirt he was wearing, but when he was about to take it off he felt the other pull back and moving him, until he was sitting on the couch; then Jin got up, brushing his face.

“I can’t.” he said, low, more to himself than to Kame.

The latter, on his part, was befuddled.

“Have... have I done something, Jin?” he asked, confused. The latter turned to look at him, sighing; he had a look on his face that Kame didn’t like at all.

“Kazu...” he started, but he stopped right away, looking troubled. He let a few moments pass, then looked him in the eyes again. “Kazu, I’m sorry” he said then, and didn’t seem able to add anything else.

Kamenashi’s breath got uneven, while his thoughts ran wild.

He was scared. Damn scared. He didn’t know what Akanishi wanted to tell him, but from the look in his eyes and that ‘I’m sorry’, he already knew he wasn’t going to like it.

He kept looking at him, looking for clues in his eyes, not finding any.

There were a hundred possibilities, a hundred meanings for that frustrated, troubled, distressed look.

And he could only the worst ones.

He had had way too much time to think about all that could’ve happened, about all that distance could’ve done to their relationship.

He had figured Jin in front of him, those same eyes, telling him it was too much for him, that he couldn’t go on this way.

That he didn’t love him as much as he did before.

Kame believed to be a rational guy; he had built a reaction for those words, for every eventuality, something to prevent him from drowning under the weight of such a statement.

He had spent too much time away from him.

And yet, right now he didn’t know what to do.

Jin kept quiet and so did he, because perhaps he didn’t really wanted to know what he was sorry for.

In the end, exasperated by the waiting, he turned to look at him; he touched his arm, lightly, almost afraid of being rejected. Which, actually, didn’t happen.

“Jin... it’s alright. You just need to tell me what’s going on, okay? Don’t worry, you can tell me if there’s a problem. Right?” he said, trying somehow to make him comfortable enough to talk.

Akanishi turned toward him, painstakingly slow.

His look, if possible, was even more tormented.

“Kame...” he took a deep breath, straightening his shoulders and forcing himself to look him in the eyes. “I’ve slept with another man.” he said, and then he lowered his head, something that the younger took as cowardice.

It took him a while to realise what he had just heard.

All of a sudden, it was like that house of cards he had built in his mind thinking of a possible way to make them work, had crumbled down.

He had been an idiot, but he hadn’t even considered this.

But maybe he should’ve.

It was logical, wasn’t it?

Being afraid that once on the other side of the ocean he could’ve cheated on him, that he could’ve found someone else.

He felt incredibly stupid for having been so trusting. Not so much in him, but in their relationship.

He had frozen, without being able to look at him.

Without knowing what to say, because everything seemed pointless.

It was so unreal that the only thing he actually wanted to do was laugh.

And never stop.

“What do you want me to say?” he murmured in the end, a sarcastic smile on his face. Akanishi seemed as to awaken from a dream. He knelt in front of him, his hands on Kame’s legs, looking him straight in the eyes.  

“I’m sorry, Kazuya. Really, I... I was drunk, and I hadn’t seen you in a month. It just happened, it didn’t mean anything. I’ve felt horrible... I _do_ feel horrible.” he talked fast, as if afraid that the younger could’ve stopped him at any moment, not giving him a chance to explain.

Kame kept looking at him, as if he didn’t really hear what he was saying to him.

He pushed him, making room for himself to get up.

“ _You_ feel horrible, Jin? You even have the gut to say that you feel horrible about what you’ve done? For what you’ve done to me?” he said. His voice didn’t show any anger; just dejection, sadness... and a nice dose of disappointment, that the elder didn’t miss to notice.

“I know I have no right to feel bad about it. I know I’ve made a mistake. I know it, damn it!” he yelled, getting back on his feet and close to him. He grabbed his arms, leaning over to press his forehead against his shoulder. “Tell me what I have to do to have you forgive me. I’m begging you, Kazu. Please. I... I love you, you know that.” he said, lowering the tone of his voice.

Kame could distinctively feel him crying. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, before pushing him away.

Not abruptly, not angrily. Just firmly.

“Don’t you dare crying, Jin. It’s not like your tears are going to ease my pain.” he murmured, more to voice a thought than for a real admonishment to him. “I don’t know what you should do. I wasn’t ready to face this, I...” he paused, biting his lip. He wasn’t meaning to play it small; it was true, he had no idea as to what either of them should’ve done now. He just knew he was too confused, too angry, too surprised at what had happened to think clearly. “Go away, please.” he asked in the end, certain it was the best solution.

He didn’t want to see him, not now.

Jin bit his tongue. He took his hand, as a last feeble attempt to have Kame look at him, understand him.

It was pointless.

He left, quickly, and Kame stayed there looking at the door closing behind his back.

Once the other had gotten out, he collapsed on the floor, taking his head into his hands.

He wanted to cry, but the words he had said to Akanishi were burned on his mind.

He repeated them again and again, like a mantra, to fight that sense of defeat that had gotten a grip on him as soon as he had been left alone.

_Don’t cry, cause tears aren’t going to ease this pain._

_Don’t cry, cause tears aren’t going to ease this pain._

_Don’t cry, cause tears aren’t going to ease this pain._

Nothing was going to ease the pain he felt.

He didn’t give a damn about anything.

He cried, even though those tears weren’t going to cure his pain.

 


	4. Semete ima Dake wa  Boku no Shinjite Hoshii (I wish at least now you'd believe me)

_Kimi no kokoro mademo kogashitemai sou de_

_Kore ijou wa chikazukenai you and me._

_*_

_I’m afraid all of this is going to consume your heart_

_You and I can’t get any closer than this._

[TORN, Nishikido Ryo & Ohkura Tadayoshi]

****

When he had gotten out of that apartment, Jin had suddenly felt empty.

As if it was all over. As if there was nothing left to save.

Once on the street he had hailed a cab, and had given the driver Ueda’s address, almost instinctively.

He could’ve gone to any hotel, spend the next few days wallowing and then go back to America, bringing along the thought of what he had done to Kame.

But he didn’t feel like it.

He didn’t want to be alone, he didn’t want to think, he didn’t even want to imagine what his future held for them.

He couldn’t believe he had gotten himself in that situation.

He had cheated on Kame. It was something completely out of any schemes, and he would’ve almost refused to believe it, hadn’t he had a clear image of himself, waken up one morning in a bed that wasn’t his own.

He had just a vague remembrance of what had happened, but deny the obvious was impossible.

He had slept with another man.

Little mattered that he had been drunk and, he knew it, it changed nothing in Kazuya’s eyes.

Then, he had felt awful.

He had gotten back home and had run to the shower, feeling a dire need to wash away the signs of that night; horrified, he had found bite marks on his body. Once he had gotten out of the shower, he had avoided looking at himself in the mirror.

During the following days he had tried to detach himself from what had happened; phone calls with Kame were still the same, he hadn’t had to make much of an effort to pretend everything was okay. He just needed to talk about what he had done, leaving out the nights spent in his bed staring into space, thinking about what to do.

He had refused to tell him something like this on the phone; to tell the truth, he had decided he wasn’t going to tell him at all.

It had been something that had ended in itself, a mistake that was never going to occur again. And Kame was never going to find out about it.

That had been his decision.

And it has stayed like that until a while before.

But then feeling Kame’s skin, his hands and his lips, knowing what was about to happen, had made him feel worse than he would’ve thought. His mind had filled with the blurred and confused images of that night, and he hadn’t taken it.

Maybe, deep down, he knew he was going to do it. He had cheated on Kame the moment he had been with that man, he couldn’t betray him more by not telling him the truth about it.

Even facing the consequences.

And now he didn’t know what to do. He wished he could’ve talked to him longer, even just repeating that he loved him like a broken record, even just to try and make him understand what was going through his mind. But he had to admit that, in his place, maybe he wouldn’t have wanted to hear it. He wouldn’t have wanted to look at his face, because he wouldn’t have managed it without thinking about the most grotesque images of what had happened, when imagination plays dirtier tricks than reality.

Once arrived at Tatsuya’s he had rang the bell, praying that his friend was home.

He got lucky.

“Jin? Oh. But...” he had muttered, his eyes wide for the surprise.

Then he had leant over to hug him, smiling. “I’m glad to see you, I’ve missed you. But what are you doing here?” he asked, moving away from the frame to let him in.

Akanishi shrugged. He put his bag on the ground and went to the couch, falling on it heavily.

“Uepi.” he stated, with a solemn voice. Ueda stared at him from across the room. “I’m a complete idiot.”

“That I already knew. What have you done this time?”

Jin told him in broad terms what had happened in Los Angeles, then he told him about Kamenashi’s reaction. Ueda was still watching him, an unreadable expression on his face.

“Yes.” he said, once the younger was done talking. “You’re really, really, _really_ an idiot, Akanishi Jin.” he said. He wasn’t preaching; he was more... resigned, maybe.

As if, as opposed to Kame, he had expected something like that.

“What should I do?” he asked, his eyes low. He wasn’t like him to ask for help; whenever he could, he’d rather go on by his own effort, counting on no one but himself. But under that circumstance, he realised that he wasn’t getting far on his own.

He was alone, and he had made a mess. He was alone, and now he had a problem that he had no idea how to solve.

He didn’t know what to do.

“What do you want me to say? That waiting is going to make it all better? That Kame is going to think about it and all of a sudden he won’t care about what you’ve done?” he asked, sarcastic. Jin jumped up, glaring.

“No. I just wanted some comprehension, but apparently I was wrong for hoping.” he replied, surly.

Ueda sighed, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“You’ve got my comprehension Jin, you know it. I’m sorry for what has happened, but if you want me to lie to you, you’ve come to the wrong person.” his voice was calm, as if it was meant to reassure him, somehow. “Maybe it’s better if you rest a bit, how about that? You’ve had a long flight, your mind’s not clear. Sleep on it, okay?” he suggested then, pointing distractedly at his own bedroom.

Jin nodded briefly, then he grabbed his bag and went to the room.

“Thank you, Tat-chan.” he murmured, before closing the door behind his back.

He wasn’t wrong.

He would’ve liked for him to lie. For him to tell him that it was going to be okay, that Kame was going to come back to him, that there was a solution for everything.

But he had definitely come to the wrong person. If Jin had always been his friend, was actually because Ueda called things for what they were, never lying to him, even those which were the hardest to accept. Like right now.

He laid down on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

He hadn’t given him any straight answer, because there wasn’t one.

And perhaps now Kame didn’t really know what to do either.

He could’ve just waited for events to unravel, wait for the pain to go away, for Kame to decide what to do.

Akanishi hated waiting with all of himself.

That self that now disgusted him, because never like now he had had a lower opinion of himself, of what he had done, of the way he felt and had made Kazuya feel.

Even if maybe, he should’ve expected that.

When they had first gotten together, years before, he already knew they were going to end up hurting each other, he knew he wasn’t the kind of man one easily was with.

He should’ve told Kame straight that, as much as he could love him, nothing was certain in their relationship.

That he could’ve used up his heart, that he could’ve made him suffer.

That perhaps the two of them shouldn’t have gotten this close, not to the point they had reached.

Not to the point where loving each other had become something so _natural_ to both of them, to the point where Jin had convinced himself he truly had changed.

Certainty that he had lost on that morning less than a month before, where he had to give in to reality; he was the same man he had always been, the one who had needed just Kame’s absence to resurface from the slumber where he had been the past years.

Jin closed his eyes.

He was tired, so damn tired.

He wanted to call Kame, beg him, repeat that he loved him until he would’ve lost his voice.

But he cared enough for him to spare him that pitiful show.

He dozed off, somehow, still knowing he wasn’t going to sleep well.

And after all, he didn’t think he deserved it.

 

~

 

It felt like he had been sleeping for just ten minutes when he heard Ueda’s voice calling him.

“What is it?” he asked, his voice still thick from sleep.

Not receiving an answer he opened his eyes, trying to focus on him despite the annoyance he felt at the light suddenly hitting his eyes.

His friend’s face looked dead serious. He didn’t like it at all.

“Ueda, what’s happened?” he asked again, trying to sit up.

The elder bit his lip, averting his eyes for a moment. It looked to Jin like he was trying not to cry, and it didn’t help the anxiety growing within him.

“Ueda...” he said again, but the other man interrupted him.

“Jin... Kame’s in the hospital.” he murmured.

Akanishi opened his eyes wide, as if he was having a hard time understanding what he had just heard.

All of a sudden, he was completely awake.

And fucking scared.

 


	5. Kyou mo Arigatou (Today as well, thank you)

_Anata ga waratte ikiteru_

_Tada sore dake de._

_*_

_I need you to live with a smile_

_Just that._

 [Eternal, Akanishi Jin]

****

Kamenashi had woken up only a few minutes ago.

He was quite confused.

It had taken him a while to realize where he was.

He had recalled slowly all that came to mind, and he had finally remembered what had happened.

After Jin had left the apartment, Kame had stayed on the couch a few minutes, not knowing what to do.

Akanishi’s words twirled in his mind, refusing to get out.

He was destroyed.

Among all the things he could’ve done to him, cheating was the one he was least inclined to stand.

Because it had surprised him, because it had made him feel like the last man on earth. Because he had no use for his apologies or his remorse.

He had kept still, thinking about all this, while his mind travelled to images he didn’t want to see, while he thought about Jin in bed with a man that wasn’t him.

He felt angry, ashamed, confused.

He had gotten off the couch slowly, slowly he had gone to the bathroom and had looked to himself in the mirror for interminable minutes.

It was Jin that had made a mistake, yet he was the one feeling... filthy. Wrong, somehow.

He had brushed his hands over his face, clawing his flesh, scratching it until he could see the red from the blood.

Then he had stopped, but the man in the mirror kept looking pathetic, too much for him to bear it, too much to keep looking at him.

He wished he could’ve closed his eyes, but he knew those images were coming back.

With less rush, he had opened the medicine cabinet.

He had looked at them for a while.

He had drugs for every circumstance. From the most simple to those which were less likely to be of use.

Among these, he had found a blister pack of sleeping pills, that had been prescribed to him a few times back when he had had some troubles sleeping.

He hadn’t used them long, and had left them there, sure that he was going to need them again someday.

Even if right now the definition of ‘need’ looked pretty grotesque to him.

He had taken one. Then another. Then another and another. Until there were none left.

He had collapsed on the ground and had waited.

Time went by slower.

He kept thinking about what had happened, constantly, and he told himself that what he was doing was the only way to erase those images, to erase Jin’s words. To let him rest, finally, so that he wouldn’t have been forced to face what was coming next.

He had called himself a coward, but then he had found shelter in the thought that it was all going to be over soon, that he wasn’t going to have to deal with his own cowardice.

He was pathetic, and he knew it.

This was all he could remember. That feeling of crushed dignity, which had become sharper now, when finally his mind had put together all the pieces and had brought back to his memory what had happened.

He looked around, but he didn’t see anyone.

Behind the headrest he found the buzzer to call the nurse, and had pushed it.

From the door, a few minutes later, appeared a strict-looking woman, practical, who checked his heartbeat and fiddled with the I.V. attached to his arm, before leaving the room without saying a word to him.

It didn’t take long, and the door opened again.

Ueda, Maru, Koki and Junno entered the room, in a rush, crowding his bed. Behind them, calmer and his eyes locked on the floor, Jin followed.

“Idiot!” was the first thing Koki said. Kamenashi bit his lip, and didn’t dare to look him in the eyes. “What the hell were you thinking? We were scared to death.” he went on, while the others around him nodded.

“What’s happened?” Kame murmured, feebly, as if he didn’t have the strength or the will to talk.

“You’ve told me you were going to be home for the whole day, I knew that…” Nakamaru, who intervened, looked briefly at Akanishi and hesitated, but then started talking again. “That Jin had just come back, and I wanted to know if you guys wanted to grab some drinks together. I’ve tried to call and he told me you were home, but you didn’t answer there nor on your cell phone. I... I got worried.” he didn’t say anything else, looking almost embarrassed, and look at the others waiting for someone to jump in.

Tanaka, still looking furious, complied.

“He’s found you passed out on the bathroom floor and he’s called an ambulance. They pumped your stomach. The doctor said there shouldn’t be any damage. And least, not any lasting ones.” his voice was still sharp, but Kamenashi didn’t get mad.

He was right, after all, to be angry at him. Had he been in his place, he would’ve likely had the same reaction.

He dared to raise his eyes and rest them on Jin, who meanwhile had stayed aside, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.

He had raised his eyes as well, and stared at him with an unreadable look on his face.

Ueda was the one to notice the brief gaze exchange, and signalled the others to go out.

“We’ll be outside, okay? We’ll see you later.” he said, quick and practical, and the other three hadn’t had anything to object.

Koki had thrown one last glance at him, more resigned than angry now, and had followed them outside.

Once alone, Jin had gotten slowly closer to the bed, sitting on the edge of it, careful not to be too close to him.

Kame fidgeted.

He knew his friends were angry; he understood them, he knew he had some explanations to give and that it wasn’t going to be easy. But it was something he felt he could deal with, somehow.

With Jin, it was different.

He didn’t know what to expect, he didn’t know how to answer a certain kind of question, he didn’t know whether the other man was disappointed, angry, indifferent... it made him feel anxious, besieged.

As if all of a sudden, he was the one in the wrong.

“Why?” the elder murmured, looking back into his eyes.

“You really can’t imagine?” he replied, tired. It was a pointless question, and they both knew it. Akanishi knew why he had taken those pills, and Kame found it unfair that he wanted confirmation.

“No. No, I can’t.” he sighed, brushing his hands over his face, frustrated. “I’m sorry, I can’t understand why you would’ve have done such a stupid thing. I can’t imagine a valid reason why you’ve wanted to take your own life. And don’t you dare telling me it’s because of what I did, because it doesn’t come even close to classify as a good reason.” as he talked his voice became sharper, incredulous, annoyed.

So much that the shame Kamenashi felt grew to the point of being unbearable.

He hadn’t planned to survive. He hadn’t planned that conversation.

He hadn’t planned to see Jin again, but now that he was there he felt almost relieved that he was.

He couldn’t even say why; despite what he had done, the way he had made him feel, the pain he had caused him, it was still too soon to suddenly stop loving him.

And that, maybe, hurt more than everything else.

“Perhaps you’re right, or perhaps I am. I just know that in that moment I had no intention to keep on living. That I didn’t want to go on, that I didn’t want to be forced to feel like this.”

“And do you want to leave now, Kazuya?”

Jin had been dry, vaguely sarcastic; Kamenashi wished he could’ve not answer that question, but he knew that sooner or later he was going to ask that to himself anyway.

And the answer wasn’t so immediate.

What he had done, had been following an instinct.

There had been a moment he had felt detached from reality, as if he hadn’t been the one to actually open the cabinet, taking the pills and swallowing them.

And waiting.

The feeling of cowardice he had felt right before closing his eyes, came back to haunt him.

It had been stupid, and it couldn’t be justified just by impulsivity, just by the fact that he had felt like he couldn’t go on with his life.

Because right now, in that damn hospital bed, looking at Jin and his falsely detached look, Kame felt he w _anted_ to live, despite everything.

That he wanted to face what was going to come, that he didn’t want to give in to tiredness and frustration.

That he didn’t want to let Akanishi go without fighting to go over the feeling of betrayal.

“Yes. I do.” he murmured, finally feeling defeated by those mere words.

Akanishi sighed, getting closer. He rested a hand upon his, absorbed, then looked at him.

“I was scared to death.” he whispered, as if he was ashamed of it. Kamenashi lowered his eyes, pulling his hand back.

“I’m sorry. But, Jin... this doesn’t change what’s happened, you know that, right? What I’ve done it’s done, but it doesn’t make me forget that...” he hesitated, biting on his lip. “It doesn’t change the way you’ve made me feel. It’s going to take time, maybe, but I don’t know if it’s ever going to be like it was before.” he said, accurately choosing his words, leaving himself room for manoeuvre.

He wanted for Jin to understand his frustration.

He didn’t know what was going to happen. He was afraid he wasn’t going to overcome the betrayal and what had followed; and, at the same time, he was aware he wasn’t capable of pretending everything was fine, of going on with a smile forgetting the way the other had hurt him; the way he was hurting right now.

“Kazu...” Akanishi interrupted his train of thought. “I’m aware of what I’ve done. I know that what’s happened it’s my fault. I know, or can imagine, how you feel right now.” he paused, suddenly thoughtful. “But... I won’t delude myself into thinking it’s going to be back to how it was before. Nor I want it to.” he remarked, and Kame felt weaker all of a sudden.

“What do you mean?” he asked, hesitating, because he didn’t actually want an answer to that.

“We were happy before. And it’s come to this.” the elder explained, standing up and looking straight into his eyes. “I can’t assure I won’t hurt you again, Kazu. I can’t assure it’s always going to be fine, that there aren’t going to be problems, that I’ll be able to make you happy.” he stopped, checking the younger’s reaction, who had kept still, staring at him. “I just need for you to live with a smile. Just that. I wish I could be the one to make you smile, but I can’t until I’ll be sure that I won’t make you cry as well. I’m not so selfish as to want to be with you if there’s a chance that might happen.”

Kamenashi felt empty, all of a sudden.

“No one can make someone else completely happy, Jin.” he said, logical.

“No. But they can at least spare them some pain.” the other replied.

“Are you breaking up with me?” Kame asked directly, tired of beating around the bush.

Jin’s answer was a nod; then he got closer to him, leaning over to kiss his lips.

“It’s not a goodbye, Kazu. It’s just that right  now I...” he sighed, while all his confidence abandoned him. “I’m not good, not for myself and certainly not for you.” he rushed his words, getting toward the door. “I love you.” he murmured.

“But loving me isn’t enough, right?” Kamenashi replied, without waiting for an answer that, as a matter of fact, didn’t arrive.

He was left alone.

Again.

And this time with the certainty that it was permanent.

He just needed for him to live with a smile.

He could see the love in what Jin had just done, but it didn’t mean he could accept it.

Still, there was nothing he could do about it, not now, not when it was over already.

He could just hope that Jin, in time, would’ve been able to smile as well. Even without him.

Because that was love, after all.

That love that, for them, hadn’t been enough.


End file.
